Me in three thoughts
I was wondering how to start this new thing in my life – blogging. So I decided to begin by introducing myself:
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly:
I remember my psychology teacher in high school saying that people play different roles in different social situations. She said they would act differently depending on whom they were talking to, where they were and how they felt.
So if I have to try and define the roles I am playing I would have to say: I want to always be The Good trying to please everyone and make them like me, trying to always smile and sugarcoat everything. Very rarely I want to be The Bad and show people I’m pissed off and want them to stop bothering me. The Bad is very easily invoked in me when someone is being really rude.
The Ugly comes up when I am feeling insecure and suspect that people don’t like me. The Ugly, however, is more on the inside – when I’m thinking „You are such a loser. Nobody wants to talk to you and no one is interested in the things you’re talking about.“
The Worshiper:
I grew up without my Dad, because he left us when I was little. Since my first memory of her until the day she died six years ago my mother was my idol and the only thing I believed in without a hint of a doubt. Now I have my family to think about and believe that what me and my husband have is good and pure.
Why do I call myself a worshiper? – Because I need to have something to believe in, something that I’m convinced is above everything else, some power which can turn everything bad in my life into something good.
I will not discuss my religious believes here, but will say I consider myself a religious person.
Fear&Guilt:
I chose to include these too ugly emotions in my introduction because they sometimes take power over me and determine my actions.
Looking back I had felt guilty about my parents’ divorce, about my grandparents not liking my mother, about not being cool enough at school…That guilt has brought me nothing than self-doubt and pain.
Fear of getting sick or losing a loved one or a friend has also been a dark cloud over my head, leaving me in this tiny cell where it’s very cold and dark.
It took me a long time to understand that Fear and Guilt should be fought against.
This introduction turned out to be more negative than positive, but I like to be critical of myself.
What’s the bright side? – I love to laugh and have a lot of people around me. I love a good book and a nice heavy metal song – preferably combined with a glass of red wine in the evenings/ or a cup of hot coffee in the mornings.
Images by morganawolf and others.
